I will start by explaining the beginning of my journey up to the present. In the spring of 2006 I left my home for personal reasons and went to stay with a very dear friend in the
Las Vegas area. When I left my home I was not feeling real well, but attributed it to stress due to things going on in my life.
While I was in Henderson I started feeling worse, had no energy, and had very little appetite. I still attributed this to stress, but decided that I should return home to visit my doctor. On the way home I totaled my car in western Colorado! I was by myself. Thank God my family had purchased an AAA membership for me before I left as I had to rent a vehicle to complete my journey home. It was a tough drive. I was sore. I was tired. Miraculously, though, I was not hurt! You should have seen my car!
Please click on this link to listen to a beautiful instrumental with video for all who are going through a difficult time:
http://www.andiesisle.com/He-Will-Be.htmlAt the beginning of August 2006 I went to the doctor's office, expecting him to tell me I had (at the worst)
diverticulitis or colitis. I was very surprised when he advised to go to the emergency room that day. My husband drove me to the emergency room where I underwent myriad tests, and the doctors started mentioning the word "cancer". I was admitted to the hospital. While in the hospital I underwent surgery for a temporary colostomy. I also had numerous biopsies on the rectal tumor I had, and all biopsies taken came back negative.I came home from the hospital after 10 days to recuperate from my surgery before having surgery in mid-September to remove the tumor. I was recuperating well from the surgery, although I had unexplained pain in my right buttocks which felt muscular in nature. On September 6th when I got out of bed I could hardly walk, due to extreme pain in my right leg as well as a lot of swelling. I called my surgeon and told him I could not make it in for a scheduled pre-op appointment because I was in too much pain. The appointment was rescheduled for the following day. September 7, 2006: This is where everything gets very fuzzy, and I had to rely on family members to tell me what happened as I remember almost nothing for the next 2-3 weeks. I am totally relying on notes that family members took now. My husband somehow got me into the car and to the doctor's office. The nurse practitioner looked at my leg, paged the surgeon who was at the hospital, and told my husband to take me directly to the emergency room as my leg did not look good. I spent 12 hours in the emergency room undergoing more tests. As it turned out the pain and swelling in my leg was caused by necrotizing fasciitis (more commonly known as flesh-eating bacteria). The tumor had somehow leaked into my leg causing this hideous infection comprised of staph, strep, and e-coli, in addition to other bacteria. That night my husband called family members to inform them that I was going into emergency surgery where they would probably amputate my leg from the hip down. When my mother received this news it sent her into a "whirlwind" (her words). She immediately began interceding for me in prayer for several hours. When my husband called her after the surgery he informed her that they did not take my leg, but that I might die within 24-48 hours. Things were that serious. If, by some chance, I did survive and was able to keep my leg I would never walk again. The "best case" scenario at that point was that I would live a "short" life in a nursing home and that my family should start looking for nursing homes that took patients who were on a ventilator. Between September 7th and September 10th I had 3 surgeries to try to clean up the infection. At that point, the doctors thought the infection was under control. It would be shown in the next few days that this was not the case after all. I spent the next 18 days or so in intensive care hooked up to a ventilator.September 13th: My primary care physician said that the cancer is very serious and aggressive. He also said that I would not be ready for chemotherapy for a long time, if at all. He said that I needed to have an appetite and be in condition to start chemotherapy. September 15th: Both the surgeon and the PCP agreed that there was improvement, but I was still in critical condition. They tried for the second time to wean me off the vent. I was able to move my feet and my toes and answered questions with a weak nod. September 16th: My mother asked the nurse how I was doing. The nurse said "so-so". They removed the Wound-Vac so they could keep a closer eye on the infection. The nurse said there should not still be all of the "dead tissue" on my leg. September 17th: The decision was made to do another liver biopsy which would be very risky. The infection was still out of control and I was becoming weaker. Surgery to remove the tumor and biopsy was scheduled for September 18th.September 18th: This is an email that my sister sent to some of the many people who had been praying for me since this nightmare began. "Of the emails I have written, I think that this may be the most difficult to write. Pam is facing a major surgery which is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. In this surgery they plan to do four things: (1) Remove the tumor. This involves the lower colon/bowel/rectum area and perhaps other organs as well. (2) Do a biopsy on her liver. (3) Perform a trachaeotomy. This will be done so that the ventilator which she has been breathing through for the past 10 days can be removed from her mouth and attached to the side of the trach. They say that this can be reversed in the future, and that Pam can talk with it if and when she gets better. (4) Treat the site of the wound to remove dead skin and tissue. Pam has continued to grow weak and this will be a difficult surgery for her. I was so relieved to find her actually looking at me and making eye contact today. When I spoke with her, I knew SHE was there! She does respond and tries to communicate. It is frustrating for her because I know she wants to tell us things. She tried using the letter board today, but her mind won't connect with the spelling. SHE NEEDS A MIRACLE. I will add here that most of the doctors were not in favor of surgery. However, I was blessed to have a surgeon who was willing to "give me a chance". I was not expected to live anyway. September 19th (post surgery): Surgery went extremely well. The tumor was "bulky" and filled the pelvic area where it had made a perforation which caused the infection. The surgeone commented to my family that I was "lucky" because the tumor was partially encased, which made it easier to remove without further spreading of the cancer. (Most of my family are Christians and we KNOW that "luck" was not involved here). They also performed a trachaeotomy. There was no "structural damage" to the leg. The tumors in the liver were not as big or widespread as they initially thought. Their main concern at that point was to get me strong enough to get off of the ventilator. I was now "in a race" between recovery and cancer because I had to be strong enough to endure chemotherapy. I would probably be on a ventilator for the next couple of weeks.Also September 19th (another email to people who had been praying for me): "Glory to the compassionate God of all comfort! We got good news from the surgeons today. Here is the summary: (1) The cancer is not as involved as they feared it might be. They took part of the rectum, part of the lower intestine, and the appendix and gallbladder. They could not get it all, however. Some was left behind and will be treated with chemo when Pam gets stronger. (2) They found the places where the infection was leaking into her system and sutured them off. (3) The trachaeotomy was successful, and the doctor said they will take it out before she leaves the hospital. That's the good news. She still has many challenges ahead of her with ongoing cancer treatment and dealing with the wound on her leg. They said it might be several weeks before she can come off the ventilator. The outlook is for intensive therapy and possibly a rehab center after she leaves the hospital. But that is a ways down the road. The doctor also said that it will now be a race between recovery and the tumor, meaning that her cancer can't be treated further until she has recovered sufficiently to be able to deal with it. So, obviously, God has chosen to allow us more time with her, so we will be praying for a quick and complete recovery. He said that we now have the upper hand, and that she has better than a 50% chance for survival. Again, we know that Pam's life is in the hands of her merciful Father and He knows how many days all of us will have on the earth. She has turned a major corner today and we are all so glad that this day is behind us. We can't begin to say how much your concern and prayers have meant to us. We have surely felt the power of the Lord holding us in His arms. We are very tired."September 21st: The respiratory therapist told my mother that I had been breathing on my own. Mom's comment here was that I looked better than I had since coming to the hospital. Even though I was totally "out of it" I asked mom where my books were as I am an avid reader. Obviously, at that point I was in no condition to be able to read books, but my brain still knew that I love to read! (I always have a book with me whether at home, in the car, or at the doctor's office.) Later that day I woke up ("wide-awake" as my mother writes). I asked a few questions about my time in the hospital and was shocked at the answers. In the evening I told my son, Brian, that the pain was "better today than yesterday". He thought it was a good sign that I was remembering yesterday and remembered who was at the hospital today.September 22nd: The WoundVac was placed back on my leg as the doctor thought it looked good enough. (A WoundVac is basically a machine that they placed on my leg with suction to try and remove the infection. They are used frequently for burn patients.)I will add here that I developed a condition called ICU psychosis. Basically that means that I was "crazy" (my words). I was a tree for a while. I was going to be roasted for a doctor's Thanksgiving dinner for a while. The hospital I was in was previously a cruise ship and somehow all of the attendants on the cruise ship became my nurses. I couldn't understand how my family could keep flying to the Bahamas (or wherever I was) to visit me. I could list many, many more nightmares. In hindsight some of these things are humorous, but I had TERRIBLE nightmares about all kinds of things. I really don't know how long this condition lasted. I do know that I was awake for 4 days and the doctors finally had to give me medication to "knock me out". My primary care physician was extremely concerned that I would not come out of the psychotic state without permanent brain damage.September 25th: I was finally disconnected from the ventilator. I was very awake and alert and asking for my sister, Julie. They sat me in a chair for about 1/2 hour. Hmmmm. I guess this is the day I started pulling tubes out because I thought I was going home. Here's a note from mom: "Brian came in at 3:20. It seems like we can't please her. Good sign!" September 26th: This is my son's note: "Mom has been in a very good mood today. They put her in her chair. She has been exercising her leg and foot. She seems less confused today. She is lots better behaved." Hmmmm.September 27th: My blood sugar became very low and I was put on insulin, but only for a short period of time. My trachaeotomy was adjusted so I could talk. My mom's note: "She is still a little confused at times, but most often she is talking rationally."September 30th: My sister's note: "Wow, I thought Pam was pretty scary today. I guess she needs to sleep. It's very sad." Hmmm.October 2nd: My son's note: "The nurse said that mom did good today. She is walking more (keep in mind that I'm not supposed to have a leg, let alone be walking!) She slept well last night. (I couldn't figure out why every time someone came to visit they asked how well I was sleeping and said that I should get some sleep -- see note above about not sleeping for 4 days.) They are taking her off of the sleeping meds. The doctors said that because of the trach, wound, and being in bed so much she is a prime candidate for pneumonia."October 3rd: My mom's note: "Cancer started on colon and is now in liver. The cancer cannot be cured but is 99% treatable. There is a danger of infection. Her oxygen level is low. She has an unknown infection which can likely be cured." I said 'If you can't cure infection, just give me pain medication. I do not want CPR to stay alive.' The infection is a major problem now as it is a difficult infection to treat."October 9th: A few excerpts from yet another email written by my sister: "Thank you so much for holding my sister up in your prayers. I cannot even tell you how strongly I feel the prayer support of caring people like you. Going through something like this certainly has the effect of tenderizing us to the plights of those experiencing various kinds of adversity. I am sure that from now on I will respond differently in prayer when I hear of someone's need. I do have a good report. One of the doctors who has been taking care of Pam for the month she has been hospitalized referred to her as his miracle patient. Pam is talking, eating and yes, even walking! The physical therapist had said earlier that she would never use her leg again. She walked about 40 feet down the hallway this morning using the leg that isn't supposed to be working. When asked how she was able to do this the physical therapist replied that she didn't know! The physical therapist, Sister Julie, said that her progress was definitely a miracle. Her leg is really healing. I could not believe the difference I saw in it from the last time I had been there. Pam said it is almost as if she could feel it healing. This is really good. The wound has to heal before she can have chemo on the tumor(s) that remain. But then, healing a tumor is not too difficult for God either. Mom made some chicken and dumplings for Pam tonight because she said the food is terrible. What a joy it was to try and figure out what we could make for her. She is struggling emotionally because of having been there for over a month now and not knowing when she will be released or what is coming next. She has asked for prayers for her feelings of being blue.Mid-October 2006 until October 30, 2006: Now I can remember things! I had more surgery for skin grafts to my leg. They removed skin from my back and the side of my leg to accomplish this. The grafts to my leg extend from below the knee to the top of my hip on the front of the leg, approximately 2" wide, and from below the knee to the top of my waist on the back of the leg, again approximately 2" wide. The worst part of this surgery was where the skin was taken from my back. It was extremely painful. I was in the burn care unit of the hospital because of the WoundVac I had on my leg. What a stellar group of nurses! We became so close because of the amount of time I spent in their care. They even came in some nights during the World Series to watch parts of the games with me. Their comment was always "Party in Pam's room!" One of the nurses would stand post outside the door in case someone else needed their attention. I was very pampered. On or around October 28th, the trach was removed. I was able to speak normally after about 5 minutes. The nurses were shocked and said they had never seen anything like it. October 30, 2006: This was a bittersweet day for me. I was being discharged from the hospital where I had been so lovingly cared for to a nursing home for physical rehabilitation. I cried and the nurses cried when I left. I had pleaded and the nurses had pleaded for me to be able to have my intensive physical therapy while in the hospital, but we were denied by the insurance company. When I was taken on a gurney to the ambulance for transfer to the nursing home and I exited the hospital I asked the ambulance attendants to stop so I could just feel and smell the air outside. What a marvelous feeling!
I would like to add here that during my hospital stay, and even now, many people have had a burden to pray for me daily, some from as far away as Canada, England, and Africa. I sincerely believe that the reason I am still alive is due to the prayer warriors who were and are in constant prayer vigil. I will never be able to thank them enough. October 31, 2006: It is Halloween, I am in a nursing home, and I hate it! I asked my husband to take me home, knowing full well that would be a stupid thing to do, but at the time I didn't care. So...here I was for physical rehabilitation. One positive thing was that the morning after my arrival my roommate (an elderly woman with Alzheimer's Disease) was sent to another part of the nursing home where she could be watched more closely. I had the room to myself the entire time I was there (another small miracle). Whenever ANYONE visited I asked them to take me outside just so I could feel and smell the air. I didn't care that it was cold -- it was wonderful just to be outside! My niece, Grace, finally got to see her "Aunt PammySue". She wanted to visit me SO many times in the hospital but she was too young. I also got to see my grandsons for the first time in 2 months! Children can make you laugh and smile no matter how depressed you are!November 6, 2006: I begged the nursing home staff to obtain approval for me to go home. When I was not in actual physical therapy and nobody was there to visit all I did was lay in bed. I figured that I would get more therapy at home by getting up and down throughout the day. I was right. Also, since they have plastic mattresses on the beds in a nursing home with just a sheet over them, the skin graft sites on my back broke down, so I was back to square one with the healing on my back. Ouch! (It is HOT in a nursing home!)November 7 - mid December 2006: I had a nurse coming in 3 times a week to change the dressing on my leg. This was a big job as the dressing changes took nearly an hour. On the days that the nurse was not there, Mike was trained how to do this. He was so scared at first as this was an extremely complicated dressing change, but he did good! I also had a physical therapist 3 times per week for about 3 weeks. When I came home I had 10 degrees of flexion in my right leg and they were able to work me up to around 45 degrees of flexion during that period of time.Now we will skip to the cancer treatment.December 12, 2006 - June 13, 2007: I underwent a rigorous regimen of chemotherapy on the FOLFOX6 + Avastin treatment. I remember being so incredibly scared on my first visit...not knowing what to expect...how I would feel...if I would lose my hair. The chemotherapy was brutal, there is no way to sugarcoat that. I went on Wednesdays for treatment and then wore a pump for 48 hours after that for constant infusion of the chemo drugs. About Friday after each treatment the diarrhea and cramping set in. The cramping was horrible. This lasted for 4-5 days. I can only define it by saying that it felt like labor pains with no baby! For the most part I remained upbeat, but I did have my weepy days and the "why me" days. June 19, 2007: I was asked to attend a tent meeting revival of sorts and share my testimony of all the miracles that God has performed on my behalf. Wow, was I nervous leading up to that day. There would be ministers from as far away as Africa in attendance. I finally decided not to prepare anything...just to trust God to give me the words. It was one of the most awesome experiences of my life. The congregation laughed at times, cried at times, and some even cheered because of God's wondrous love and abounding miracles on my behalf. I'm just thankful I had my wonderful, loving sister standing by my side to help me fill in a few of the blanks. My mom was in attendance. It made her feel so proud to have her 2 daughters in the pulpit, side by side, sharing God's goodness!End of June 2007: I went to the hospital for a CT scan and bloodwork to check CEA levels (a tumor marker blood test). The following week I went back to the doctor fully expecting that my miracle would be complete and the cancer would be gone. This was not how it happened, however. The tumors on my liver shrunk significantly during treatment (the largest went from 3.7 cm to 1.4 cm), but it was still there! At that time, the doctor put me on an oral chemotherapy drug called Xeloda. When I got home from the doctor's office that day I indulged in a true pity party! I didn't even tell anyone about it for a day or two after my appointment.Mid August 2007: I am on a chemo break! I suggested it to my oncologist and he said that it wouldn't hurt, in fact it may even help because my platelets would have a chance to rebound. Platelets become an issue the further you get in your chemo regimen. It feels wonderful to take this break.September 1, 2007: What a wonderful day! We are celebrating my birthday today with an outdoor barbecue and live music in my own back yard. We have called this party "A Celebration of Life". The food is wonderful, the day is beautiful. We have over 60 people here to celebrate with us! My sister's praise and worship group is singing. My niece is singing a beautiful old hymn called "I'll Fly Away". They are also performing my new theme song which is called "I Am Free". You can find the words by doing a search on the web. I even got up and sang with them the second time they did that song. Oh boy, I sure feel sorry for those of you who had to hear my voice. I am NOT a singer, but I totally enjoyed it. My family worked so incredibly hard to pull this event together. You all will NEVER know how much it means to me. This is one of the most incredible days of my life! In 6 days it will be one year since my family received the grim news that I probably would not make it for 48 hours!September 10, 2007: I spent the day with a dear friend today. It was the first time I spent an entire day with a friend since all of this started last year! Thank you, Kathy! Miscellaneous thoughts to the present time: I have said all of that to say this. OUR GOD IS STILL IN THE HEALING BUSINESS! I am LIVING proof of that. Over the past year I have grown so close to Him. Up until my illness I basically accepted Him on my terms. Now I realize that everything happens for a purpose and in HIS time. If that is what comes from my incredible journey up to the present...it is enough! God is enough! When we are down and out and have nothing, He REALLY is all we need!My thanks to all of you who have been lifting me up in prayer daily for the past year. I'm still here! Sometimes when I think of all of the support I have received I just shake my head in amazement (or cry). If it weren't for all of you, I truly believe I would not be here writing this today.
A special thanks to all of my immediate family members: Mike, Jeff, Brian, Mom, Julie and family, and Nancy. I put all of you through a horrific time last year, but you were ALL up to the challenge I presented. Thank you for your encouragement, your help, your prayers, and your love. I will never in this lifetime be able to repay you for your sacrifices day after day after day.
To everyone else -- If you sent a card I got it; if you prayed for me I received the victory from it; if you sent a meal we ate it and enjoyed it thoroughly; if you cleaned my house I appreciated it.
Finally, most of those who know me also know my mother, or you have heard me speak of her. Interestingly, 2007 marks her 30th anniversary of being a cancer survivor miracle. That is another long story! She is my "proof positive" that you CAN beat this disease and live a long life if you have God. Mom turned 80 this year. Her miracle occured when she was 50! Way to go, mom!
I will try to keep this blog current in order to avoid sending out a lot of emails. Thank you for taking the time to read it. Please post comments of you choose. I love comments and emails.
